I don't want to make the faux-paw of coming on strong, but your dog is so adorable, I couldn't resist.
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
Hi, my name's Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
Come witch me to the party.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
It’s worth a shot.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
Excuse me, is your name Grace?
Because you're amazing!
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
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