Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.

A fortune-teller told me you’ll give me your number tonight. Was she right?

Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)

That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.

What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!

It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.

“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”

What runs but can't walk? The faucet!

“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”

Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic

Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.

2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."

Don't be a jerk-o-lantern

On a keyboard, nothing is under control.

"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White

Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape

How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.

Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.

Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!

Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.

My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.

"My Dog"

My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.

His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.

He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.

I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!

– Steve Hanson

Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!

Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.

Can I hold your hand?

My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy

Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.

What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!

Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.

I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.

There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.

Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.

Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields

Girl, you and me are like loaves and fishes. Together we might be a miracle.

Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.

Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!

“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud

"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead

The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious

Are you enjoying your sweet potatoes this Thanksgiving?
I know I yam!

Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!

Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal

Do you like hot foods
If so, you definitely are what you eat.

What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort

What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.

The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes

Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.