You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.
Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up? Because I'd gladly make you a drink
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
Forget a trophy wife…. I’m looking for a Sophie wife
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
The expiration date says "best if used by tonight." Can I make you dinner?
Your lips may be saying no, but your endorphins are saying yes.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
Easter? I hardly even knew her.
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
I'm not wearing any socks. And I have the panties to match.
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!
Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
I made a snap decision to watch football today
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
Did you just move from the subdominant to the supertonic? Because I think you’re my perfect counterpoint.
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