Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
Damn girl, are you British?
Because you just conquered my heart
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
Tomatoes are red, roses are red too. We both know what I truly love is you.
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
I thought Happiness starts with H. But why does mine starts with U.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
My pants might be in the wrong place but my heart is always in the right place.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
Your name must be Andromeda because we are destined to collide.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
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