Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Goose
Goose who?
Goose who's knocking at your door again!
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
Why did the girl break up with the boy?
He was driving her crazy!
What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing!
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
I’m very frond of you.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
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