How do Yetis tell the time?
With a sasq-watch.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
What is it like to get paid smoldering at the camera while wearing expensive clothes?
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
Are you a break stroker? Because you make my knees weak.
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
It's cold and rainy on Halloween
Where monsters and goblins are always seen
They're at my door asking for sweets
But they don't want tricks only treats
I could close my door but that would be mean.
You octopi my thoughts.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
CRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
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