“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
I’m so glad prohibition was repealed, because I’m drunk on you.
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
A round of Santa-plause, please.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
What do you call an electrically charged seal?
A seal ion.
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
Oh Miles, you make me Smiles.
Are you Australian? Cause you meet all my koala-fications!
Hi, I hear you’re good at algebra… Will you replace my X without asking Y?
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
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