For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.
Hey Audrey, Audreyly like to take you out
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
You are more beautiful then all the fireworks tonight.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
Are you sure we haven’t had a class together before? I could have sworn that we had chemistry together.
Affogato? Afforgeto where I am when I'm with you.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
How do mares keep track of their boyfriends?
A stud book.
Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
I’m like the Jean Baptiste-Colbert of relationships. I never trade with anyone else.
Looking at the sediment grain size scale, it looks like you’re finer than silt.
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.
Aside from being single, what do you do for a living?
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
Nice Skates... wanna puck?
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
Your voice is so a-do-re-ble to mi
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
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