They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Are you a fidget spinner? Because the last time I had fun with you was forever ago and I’m not really interested in touching you anymore. I’m pretty sure you were just a phase and now I’d really like to get you out of my house and forget it ever happened.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out.
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
Snow thank you.
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
Babe, are you a virus? 'Cause, you're having an effect on my whole body.
Cell phones are a static symbol.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
What did the little goats say when they were caught playing a prank on the sheep?
Sorry, we were just kidding.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
Til death do us part and then some, dear.
Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
Every time i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
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