What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.
Is your Wi-Fi on because I can feel a very strong connection with you?
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Is it me or is there an interaction between us?
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
Hey girl, you make my heart flutter kick.
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.
Join me today, because I am in it for the long run when it comes to love.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
Cycle with me? I feel like I’m on a whole other gear when I’m with you!
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
Fishing you a happy day.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
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