“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
Do you always play this badly at the net? Because I don’t like your approach.
You’re so hot, you denature my enzymes.
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
"I mead more wine."
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
Hey there cyclist, I wheelie like you!
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
I whale always love you.
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
May I tie your shoe?
Because I can't have you fall for anyone else.
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
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