Hey, wanna be Jere-MY-ah?

Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.

What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!

Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.

Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.

Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.

My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."

The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.

Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.

Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!

Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!

"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken

Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.

What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.

What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down

Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.

Double bubble gum, bubbles double

One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.

What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.

Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.

Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.

Girl, I know your wearing Nike, but I just won't do it.

Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.

Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!

What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.

"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?

"Since I was Lidl."

What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.

What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!

Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!

It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”

One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"

If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.

I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.

Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.

What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.

Say it ain’t snow.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

Can’t believe I’ve gone this long in my life without Ben by your side

I don't mean to brag, but I'm one of the fastest speed-readers in the tri-county area.

Are you Rudolph’s red nose? Because baby, I would say you glow.

What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.

RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.