When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
It’s a beautiful Degas!
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
Sorry lady, I'll have to eat you after dinner.
Because you're a snack!
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
What do dogs and commas have in common? Dogs have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
My brother has been riding a bicycle since he was 4 years old
Damn he must be very far away by now
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
Oh, this flower in my hand? I was just showing it how beautiful you are.
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
"Adulting makes me wine."
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives.
Because he never met you.
A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
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