"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
You’re like a dictionary—you add meaning to my life.
You are my raisin to smile.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
I want to read you from cover to cover.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
Are you spaghetti? I want to put sauce on you.
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.
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