When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
Is it hot in here - or is it just you?
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
She couldn't find the "10" button.
"If it's meant to be it's meant to be....but just to be clear it isn't."
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.
Long time no sea.
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
Hey Adam… it’s Adam shame I don’t have your number yet
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.
Baby, you're just like water ...
Except Jesus turned you into fine.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
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