What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
Did you hear about the gnome rogue?
Of course not, that g is silent!
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put ewe and I together.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
If you were a dynamically allocated variable in a C++ program, you'd create a leak. Because I'd never delete you from my life.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
You should dress up as a baker for Halloween with that set of buns.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
I’m jealous of your stethoscope… I am the one who should be wrapped around your neck!
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible
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