“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
What’s the difference between me and your socks? I’m not yours anymore.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
I hope I'm on your list of things to pick up today.
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