There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
I scored when I met you.
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
Do you have Spotify? You better have premium so we could get some uninterrupted action.
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.
I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor
Are you a red blood cell? Because you never fail in delivering what my heart needs.
"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Candice.
Candice who?
Candice be love that I'm feeling?
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
This coffee is steaming up my glasses or is that just you?
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
I went to the butcher's the other day and asked them, how do you prepare your turkey for Thanksgiving?
They said that they just tell them straight out that you're gonna die.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
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