Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe out Literacy.
Hey Audrey, Audreyly like to take you out
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
I send the best morning texts. But you’d know that already if I had your number.
Why did the belt get arrested? Because he held up a pair of pants. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
What do you call an elephant with rotors?
A Nellie-copter.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
You’re like a pair of goggles; without you, everything’s a blur.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
Do you wanna know a secret? I'm in love with you.
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
I would love to show you first class.
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