What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
I'm not wearing any socks. And I have the panties to match.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
Are you a mosquito? ‘Cause I’m a sucker for you.
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
Nice life preservers.
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
That skeleton over there said he’d get your number for me, but he didn’t have the guts, so here I am.
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
"Love the wine you're with."
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
Can I show you my yellow submarine?
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
Is that a fugue I can hear? Because we’re about to get entangled
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
I've never understood the fashion industry, those people are so clothes-minded.
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
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