What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
I like my coffee like I like my men: either tall or with a confusing Italian name.
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
Your name must be trigonometry, because you make me want to cry.
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
My Spotify sucks. It showed me the hottest singles, and missed you out!
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
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