Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
I love making new friends.
That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
Do you like whales? Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
Just had Lobster Bisque for the first time!
It was souper good!
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
I made a snap decision to watch football today
"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I'm going to start watching my caffeine intake because baby you make my heart palpitate.
The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
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