Beauty is only pig skin deep
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
Are you a barista? I like you a latte
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
Did you heard about the zombie crow? He wants to eat your grains.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
Are you going to a beauty contest? Because you are looking damn beautiful.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.
Hey Adam… it’s Adam shame I don’t have your number yet
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
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