Was Henry VI a ViKing?
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
Having been thrown out of cartoon art school, he was in suspended animation.
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
What do llamas always reply when you thank them?
No probllama.
Your beauty warms and lights up these frozen surroundings.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
You’ve been working too yard.
Let’s act like we’re a couple of colonists and do a few intolerable acts together.
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be dead
Than stuck with you!
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
If you shave your legs as well as that fennel, I can't wait to touch them.
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
It’s worth a shot.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
"What an egg-citing day."
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
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