“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown

I'm tired of this old broom. Got anything else I can ride?

What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.

Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.

What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.

My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett

How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.

Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !

What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light

I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.

What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.

I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.

Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.

What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.

What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.

I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.

How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.

My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.

Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.

I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane

(Anonymous)

How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!

Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver

Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.

Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.

"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell

"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."

Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.

Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.

What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”

How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.

Let’s go to my place. I’d like to show you my puck collection.

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

You had me at ruff.

What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.

Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.

What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.

How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.

What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.

Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.

Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?

It's cutting-edge technology.

Get in the swim this summer.

Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.

How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.

Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.

Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can't I have a Tempurpedic.