What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
Hey girl, are you the sun? Because you’re the center of my universe.
Oof – is the Aaron here really fresh or is that just you?
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
Your hold on my heart is perennial, I’ll keep coming back always.
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
How did the wife know her mountaineering husband was cheating on her? She caught Himalayan about it more than once.
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
Kicking Baby Considered Healthy
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
I'm like a Christmas present - you'll love waking up to me in the morning.
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
What is a mountains favorite type of candy?
Snow caps.
Sorry I'm late, I kep falling for you on the way.
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
"If it's meant to be it's meant to be....but just to be clear it isn't."
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
Q: Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?
A: Because he was the raining champion.
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
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