For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
Are you my appendix?
Because I don't know anything about you but this feeling in my gut is telling me that I should take you out.
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
My coffee is really hot. But you're hotter.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
I think my heart just lagged.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
"Some people have no guts."
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
What does a horse call her best friend?
Her mane chick.
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
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