Let’s get elf-ed up.

Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.

Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!

She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)

There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.

Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.

I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.

Hey babe, I’ve been straining my oculomotor nerve looking everywhere for you.

Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.

What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus

“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”

I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.

Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.

The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.

Oh I didn't mean to pull you in so close. I thought I heard a rutting bull moose.

What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!

If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.

I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.

My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.

Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.

Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.

BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub

Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.

What do you call a wasp who is having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee

“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope

Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.

I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.

“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan

The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.

Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.

How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.

Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.

What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.

A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.

What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.

What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.

What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!

What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!

I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.

Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.

Hey girl, I'd give you my heart but I already gave it to Jesus.
You can have my number though.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!

How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.

"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown

I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.

How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.

What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!

You must be a Candy bar because you appease me.