What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
Hey babe, how about I plan a romantic weekend get away, and while I’m gone you can pack your shit and GTFO?
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
My doctor told me I have a Vitamin D deficiency. Wanna go back to my place and save me?
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
"The Legs Are Last To Go"
Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know
“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”
She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show
The legs are last to go
The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go
Her legs were last to go.
– Mike Gentile
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
Sips getting real.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
Were you born in 1789? Because you’re a real classical beauty
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you until I'm sixty-four!
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
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