Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
"The pursuit of happiness" means it's cool to hit on you, right?
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
Mmm baby! You’re decomposing in ALL the right places!
Bad puns are how eye roll.
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
Hey Audrey, Audreyly like to take you out
Are you glitter? Because you add sparkle to my life
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
I bet you I could stop gambling.
Are you looking for a shallow relationship?
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
What do you call a solar powered keyboard?
A photosynthesiser
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