What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
No costume? Oh you lucky girl, you don’t need Halloween. You look like an angel every day.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
I think there’s something wrong with my eye. I can’t take them off of you.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
Sorry, but I can only be with you twice.
That's Now...and Forever.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
Oh gosh gal your eyes look like falling stars.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
Hello Boo-tiful.
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
Fresh French fried fly fritters
Man: I've lost my phone number can I have yours?
Woman: Sure, my number is 911-8473 (works better if you write it down)
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Isabella Isabeauty for sure
What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
You'd make for some real smooth sailing
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?
Snap cackle n' pop
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
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