How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
Books are my kind of texts.
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
Are you from history? Because your body looks royal.
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
Because of my rights related to eminent domain, you have to compensate me for stealing my heart.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
Girl, If you were a fruit you'd be a can't-elope.
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
Seed between the lines.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
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