You’re as beautiful as a flower, but I think I rose to the challenge.

What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe

I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.

Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.

Are you a beaver? Because I like your tail.

I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.

What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."

I would never precede you with "which," baby, because you are essential to this clause.

Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?

Mind if my comet enters your solar system?

I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.

I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.

How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.

Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.

Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."

“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown

I'll light your fire for you if you want!

What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !

“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”

I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.

What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?

One baked with May-flour.

Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.

When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cantaloupe!
Cantaloupe who?
Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad.

May the mass times acceleration be with you.

What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.

I'm afraid you can't pass this point, 'cause you're a bomb, Baby.

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.

It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.

"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown

What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"

Cell phones are a static symbol.

You’ve been here for short while, but my heart is beating really fast and I can feel some surface tension between us.

When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.

What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!

What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"

What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.

Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.

What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.

What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”

How to spot the best mechanic?

The brightest bulb.

What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive

Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!

(Kristin Frederick)

How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.

I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!