If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
Have you seen the new movie with the Dachshund?
Apparently it’s an Oscar Weiner.
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 9... And I'm the 1 you need.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
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