Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
Baby, we need to get together before Christmas, because you can't spell "love" with No-el.
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
I used to believe in natural theology, but since I met you I've converted to divine revelation.
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
“Monday should be optional.”
I bet you are the earth and I am the sun because you become hotter as we get closer.
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
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