Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.
If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?
You and I could totally melt my igloo.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
Are you the Godiva store? Because you seem sweet and way too fancy for me.
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
In space, no one can hear us scream.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
Girl you are rocking this run.
Help! I need your number in my long-term memory.
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
What type of elf has the most books?
A bookshelf.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
I've been called a dirty player but lets just see how dirty we can get tonight.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
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