Irish you were beer.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
Is your body from McDonald's? Cause I'm lovin' it!
"Great minds drink alike."
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
I may not be Mumford, but do you want to have my sons?
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
I froze some raspberries last summer. You're hot enough to defrost them.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Baby, you better get out of that express lane, 'cause you're all that *and* a bag of chips.
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
We’re not socks, but we make an excellent pair.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
I have only two weaknesses resisting chocolate and resisting you.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Good game--you certainly scored all your extra points with me.
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
You remind me of a diamond necklace because you sure sparkle and shine bright.
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
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