My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.
"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
You have goat to be kidding me.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
I want to stick to you like cyanoacrylate.
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Hey, are you an anchor? Because you've done nothing but weigh me down.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
How about you and I form a binary system?
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
"Bugs and hisses."
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
Leaf me alone.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
I wanna bob for your apples.
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
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