I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
I’m elf-taught.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
Do you have a name you want me to save you as on my phone or should I just put 'mine'?
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
My love for you is like an exponential curve. It’s unbounded.
You wanna score or just knock around some soccer balls?
It took 3 tries to approach you. I kept losing my breath.
Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
Lost on a mountain, you can collect rainwater to drink during storms.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
Are you a musician? Because you make my heart go staccato.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
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