I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
You’re the Higgs boson particle of my life… Because without you, my universe wouldn’t “matter.”
Can I have your number so I can call you anytime I miss you?
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
I’m not sure the best way to approach you..could you give me a Vivinsider tip?
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
You are aged to perfection.
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
I like my coffee like I like my men: either tall or with a confusing Italian name.
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
Your eyes are so blue I feel like I'm in the sky when I'm with you.
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
You set my heart bonfire.
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Guy: "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
Girl: "No, but I did scrape my knees a couple times crawling up from hell."
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
Do you need prayer?
Because I'm willing to lay hands on you.
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
"Say you'll be wine."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
I know somebody that thinks they might like you a lot. And if I wasn’t so shy, I would tell you who it is.
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
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