What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.
Girl, you're so expensive, my insurance is requiring prior authorization before our first date.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
Did you damage my cerebellum? Because I’m falling all over the place for you.
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
Come with me, let’s convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
Hey how’s it going? Ben jammin’ much today?
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.
Want to see the real coming attraction?
What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?
Mumbai.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
"I'm nuts about you."
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
Are you the end of practice? Because you’re always on my mind.
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!
Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
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