How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
How about we get down to monkey business?
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
What do pups eat in Italy?
Pawsta.
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
How about you let me take you to the Planetarium? You seem to belong there since your beauty is celestial.
Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.
Ah! The element of surprise.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
Canada is planning a mission to the moon
They're calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
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