What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
I scored when I met you.
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
This hottie has forever changed the film industry, and it starts with the letter P and ends with 'orn'. Reel your mind back in - we're talking popcorn!
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
My friend told me to come and meet you.
He said you're a really nice person. I think you know him.
Jesus, yeah that's his name.
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
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