"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
"Do you like computers?" (yes.) "Do you like file sharing?" (yes) "Good, 'cause I'm downloadable and user friendly!"
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
I hear you're looking for a stud. Well, I've got the STD and all I need is you.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
I was under the blues, so I had to blue my nose occasionally.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
Hey I love your shoes, they would look even better if they were running alongside me.
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