“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Well, I have to say I am William-pressed with you
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because you take my breath away.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
In case of an emergency, pull down the zipper on my pants.
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
Is your dad an Italian thief? Because you just stole a pizza my heart.
How rude-olf of you.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body? Would you mind one more?
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
Let me check your tag.
Yep, just as I thought - Made In Heaven.
What’s your sign? Mine is stop.
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
Are you lonesome tonight? I can't help falling in love with you.
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
You remind me of a thunderstorm: positively striking.
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
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