Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
How do werewolves stop a video?
They press the paws button.
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
I like you cherry much.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
Do you know why Uranium is my favorite element on the periodic table of elements? That’s because I love U!
What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
Nathan compares to you
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
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