What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
Your sun salutation would get me to rise every morning.
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
How'd you like to go on a long romantic walk on the treadmill?
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
Ouch! You are giving me a good kind of toothache just because of your sweetness.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima horny, let's screw.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
Rock was magma before it was cool.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
It was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
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