What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
Whoever said that no one is perfect has never seen you.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
So … do you run here often?
New electric trains will run on conductors.
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.
There once was a lovely young witch,
Who never wore a single stitch;
One Halloween night,
She gave quite a fright,
To some hags who had gathered in a ditch.
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
I scored when I met you.
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
Hey baby, are you made up of dark matter? Because you’re indescribable.
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
Tell me of this thing you humans call... (dramatic pause) love.
Herb your enthusiasm.
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
I hope you have an absolutely fin-tastic day!
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
I love you so fairy much.
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
Are you the black line at the bottom of the pool? Cause I can’t tear my eyes away from you.
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
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