hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
Are you my new favorite song? Because I'd like to hear you on repeat.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Al.
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open the door.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
It took God seven days to make the world but it'll only take seven digits for you to change mine.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
Why did the kicker finally decide to marry his high school sweetheart?
She was a fair catch!
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t exactly well rounded.
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
You sweep me off my feet!
Is it true what they say about the size of a man’s canine teeth?
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
We could make such a beautiful library together.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
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