Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can't carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
Wow, of course your name is Alice. Your body is a wonderland
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
"I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees."
― Pablo Neruda, Twenty Love Poems and A Song of Despair
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny left his treasure
Eggs marks the spot.
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
You must be the square root of two because I'm irrational around you.
You're like my favorite candy bar, half sweet, half nuts.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
When are you going to invite me to church?
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
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