Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
Are you that one more chapter? You keep me awake most of the time.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
Darling, I never want you to leaf me.
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
Hey girl, you make my heart flutter kick.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
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