"I wood never leaf you."
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang
get nervous when I fly; do you mind if I hold your hand?
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
Aria free next Friday for dinner?
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
Summer went swimmingly this year.
I like your wart, want to see a few of mine?
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
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