I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.
Dublin’ the fun.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
Are you being a ghost for Halloween, or are you just my boo?
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
You're that ugly that if I could do myself, I wouldn't need you.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
No costume? Oh you lucky girl, you don’t need Halloween. You look like an angel every day.
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.
Go big or go gnome.
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
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