What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Juno.
Juno who?
Juno I love you, don't you?
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
You are hot to the core, aren’t you?
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
I like you cherry much.
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
I bet your muffled screams are as cute as u.
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
We must be near an airport, because my heart just took off when I saw you!
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
The tiger asked his longtime friend, "Will you be my tigerlfriend."
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or something?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
Yes! I've always known you were a bit nutty!
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
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