“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
You’re a perfect ten(t).
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
Nice pumpkins!
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
Wanna go back to my igloo and cuddle?
You must have been born in an open cluster because you shine as if you were a young star.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
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