Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
Are you alone? Nice to meet you, me too.
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.
Join us for plenty of play action.
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
My brother has been riding a bicycle since he was 4 years old
Damn he must be very far away by now
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I'm a pretty knotty girl.
You're like my tea: Hot and British!
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
Go to BabaMail
