Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
She couldn't find the "10" button.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
"Sip, sip hooray."
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
I used to believe in natural theology, but since I met you I've converted to divine revelation.
If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
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