"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.
Sorry to interrupt with a bad pick up line, but if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?
It's the mask era.
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
"No eggs-cuses."
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Hey, are you an anchor? Because you've done nothing but weigh me down.
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
Fairies just wand to have fun.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
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