I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
England.
Sir William Howe... are you doing?
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
You're like my tea: Hot and British!
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
Better read than dead.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
Do you like sub-bass? Because you just turn on my lower frequencies.
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
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