Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?

Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.

How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level

What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!

What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.

Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.

"I wood never leaf you."

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin

How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.

What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster

It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.

What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.

Why don't we head to my bedroom, peel back my Star War sheets, and discover what a true Jedi can do with his lightsaber?

Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.

"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black

Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?

What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.

What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.

Hey girl, I hope you see that I'm not like all the otters!

Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.

Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)

“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein

Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?

Things ran more fluidly.

What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.

How to spot the best mechanic?

The brightest bulb.

A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!

Erase erratic bat from your vocabulary because I am as functional as they come.

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"

Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.

What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.

Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.

"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."

Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!

Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.

What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.

Mind if my comet enters your solar system?

It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?

"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."

Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.

Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”

What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.

Do you know why you need to get up early? Because you’re the sunshine.