Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Two 4's.
Two 4's who?
No need to make lunch we already 8.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
The tiger came went to the salon. Now, other animals of the jungle call him 'Shaved Khan.'
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
With me with you, anywhere becomes the perfect Champ-site.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
Not even Fahrenheit, Celsius, or Kelvin can measure how hot you are!
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
Are you a fire detector?
Because you're loud and annoying.
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
There's some cabanossi and cheese back at my house with ya name on it.
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
Has the abominable snowman called?
Not Yeti.
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