Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He was feeling really crumbie!
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
I'm pine-ing for you.
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
Roses are red, violets are blue, with you in my head, this cow goes moooo.
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
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