I'm sorry did you say you drove the ski-doo, what's your ring size?
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
Let’s get elf-ed up.
I'm a good basketball handler, what about you?
What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
Tis the sea-sun.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
I’m no adjective; I would never want to modify you.
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
Excuse me madan, could you help me? My hands ar so heavy. Could you hold them for me?
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
You must be regulated by the FDA because you treat, cure, and prevent my broken heart.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
When we met, it was love at frost sight.
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
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