Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
Are you a tower? Because eiffel for you!
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
when I’m with you.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?
Mumbai.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
Go to BabaMail
