Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
I had to clean my filter twice after I saw how beautiful you are because I couldn’t believe my Arabicas.
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
You are as cute and cuddly as a Koala.
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what can you make out of a banana?
Slippers!
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
You'll never be as well dressed as I, but I'm willing to give you second place.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
Don't get tide down.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
Is that the Dog star? You can’t be Sirius!
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
What does it feel like to be the most gorgeous girl in the room?
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
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