“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent

What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns

If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.

We’ll have a splash-tastic time.

What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.

Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!

My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!

Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.

What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.

It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.

Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?

Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.

Is it true that you are from China since I’m China get your number?

Did you get lost on your run? Because heaven is a long way from here.

What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!

I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.

Do you mind if I slip my rope under your route?

Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

A con artist is an artist who draws pictures of criminal suspects.

There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.

What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.

Best in snow.

What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.

I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"

What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?

I can tell what a woman drinks just by looking at her, and for you it's a diet coke.

I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.

What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.

Do you like interjections? YES? NO! GOOD!

Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.

Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...

Your treat or mine?

What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.

My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.

Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.

Seas the day.

Some bunny loves you.

I Got to Get You Into My Life

Are you a bookmark? Because I keep rereading the pages you are on!

What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.

Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.

Your bible would look great on my nightstand.

Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.

What eats laptops? Computer worms.

A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.

Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.

Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!

I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"

Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.