The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!

Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!

It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.

“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”

What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu

What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.

You are hot to the core, aren’t you?

"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns

Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”

Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.

You’re my lucky charm.

Your earrings are the mirrors which reflect the moonlight into your eyes.

Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.

My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.

What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite

Fancy a climb? Mount me in.

“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot

You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.

Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.

What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.

Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.

How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.

Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.

“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf

What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.

What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.

Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!

A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

Is it true that you are from China since I’m China get your number?

I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.

“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous

Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.

What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.

What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!

What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha

Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!

How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!

What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.

Know what? I dig you, really!

What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.

I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."

All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.

"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."

- Phyllis Dille

How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.

What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.

Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.

Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.

How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.

Orange you excited for Halloween?