In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
My flower blooms whenever I see your beautiful face, I hope you know what I mean.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
Aren't you tired? Because you've been galloping through my mind all evening.
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
Roses are red, violets are blue. I would really love to run away with you.
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
You’re so beautiful even the leaves fall for you.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
The only thing hotter than today is you.
Hey girl, are you Morphine? 'Cause, you take my pain away.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
Hey baby are you a boxer? You should try it, because your one hell of a knock out!
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
You must be Australian because you've turned my life upside-down.
On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 9... And I'm the 1 you need.
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
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