What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
Do you like hot foods
If so, you definitely are what you eat.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
I love dogs, you love dogs, it's just me or is there some real pet-tential here?
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
Nothing lasts forever. Can you be my nothing?
Hi, I hear you’re good at algebra… Will you replace my X without asking Y?
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
Do you know the difference between you and the new phone? The new iPhone costs $1,000 and you are priceless.
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things. Eating.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Sorry lady, I'll have to eat you after dinner.
Because you're a snack!
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
Have a gneiss day! This is one of the simplest rock puns, but it is certainly a gneiss way to start your day out right!
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
I don’t play soccer but you’re my goal.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
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